THE LAKE EFFECT

today a girl did a 4 or 5 minute presentation on texting

2011-04-14T18:58:00.000-07:00

today an asian girl did a presentation on texting
her name is one letter off from "monica"... bonica
she was very nervous
she said "texting is one of the leading causes of death and leads to drugs"
then she pressed a button that changed the slide
on the screen it said
"I luv u = i love you
I lv u = im leaving you"

Gmail Chat - Jordan Castro & Brittany Wallace

2011-04-04T20:56:00.000-07:00

showin off fo da cam

are you still listening to this bitch

brittany: no, this one now

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uNaCDXmEoYM&feature=player_embedded

jesus, this one...

me: someone hit the first bitch in the mouth because she had a moustache

i have no control over my life here in ohio

that is a sentence i just thought

how can a person whoi thinks things like that like

that sentence

is dramatic and retarded and i dont like, believe it, or whatever

but i like.. thought it convincingly

somehow

brittany: post that on lake effect blog

me: lol, ok

brittany: i have
no control
over my

life (in ohio)

me: doing a funny thing

brittany: i feel like the only time i felt legitimately bullied was when some retard told me to shave my arms in high school man i'm glad i didn't like come out as a lesbian or something

i lost my phone

2011-03-10T18:49:00.000-08:00

i think i left it in my last period class
if i left it in class my teacher probably looked through my phone
i do not have naked pictures on my phone
naked pictures are what my generation does
i do have texts about adderall
shit

if i didnt leave it in the classroom then it is outside
and there is a large storm system moving in
we might have a snow-day tomorrow
i really want a snow-day
but if we have one then i wont get my phone back till monday
but really it is ok
and the more it snows the more my phone could be getting ruined but also the more chance we could have a snow-day

i keep thinking "noah cicero doesnt have a phone"

psychedelic cowboy (our growing arms)

2011-03-06T18:34:00.000-08:00

"this is a birthday party and
we have nothing to give"
drew pulls behind the florist shop
we open the dumpsters and
pull flower after flower,
fistfuls of flowers, growing
three pairs of arms cannot
hold all that we found

Fried-Velveeta-Miracle-Whip Sandwiches

2011-03-02T14:13:00.000-08:00

I don’t remember exactly when the kitchen was remodeled, but one day there were white counter tops complete with golden flecks. There were plastic Robin egg blue curtains and a microwave new enough to act as a status symbol among the neighborhood girls.

She was indeed the first on the street to own a microwave. Now she had a bit of extra time to light her own cigarettes. There was no man to light them for her and so she would flick restlessly through the television channels on her evenings off.

I could tell that in many ways the microwave calmed her nerves.

Favoring bright colors in dress and in makeup
my childhood memories became scented clouds of sugary hairspray.

2011-03-02T02:07:00.000-08:00

oh no it’s 4am and I just smashed through your bedroom door on some handsome drunk man’s back with the bad teeth and he also punted your ceramic peacock lamp and said “its like if Queen Latifah wore a shin guard on her face”

A Conversation Between An Old Black Man, An Old White Man and Myself

2011-02-16T16:57:00.000-08:00

Inside of a Post Office, Mid-Afternoon

Old Black Man: Daaaayyyyuummm...

Me: [nervous laughter]

Old Black Man: Dis place look new. Dis a nice place ya got here.

Me: Yeah... It's actually like, kind of new. Like, it used to be over there [points right] but it moved here like, a few months ago.

Old Black Man: And it's nice outside too! For wintertime I mean. Dis place nice doe, dis place nice. I be like... I was like... comin' from Severance... Up on Miles? Or - I mean, Miles, and, uh, this is just way easier to git to y'know?

Me: [nervous laughter]

Old Black Man: Everything is so spread out nowadays.

Me: Yeah.

Old Black Man: I mean, I could do this online, and pay with my... with my debit card, y'know? But then people be... people be stealing yo number and what not. [Loud noise, expressing disbelief]. You never know what people are gonna do nowadays. It's crazy. Life is crazy now. Life is... [Loud noise, expressing disbelief].

Me: Yeah... Man... But... Hasn't it always been crazy?

Old Black Man: That's what I'm sayin'. Life is crazy. [Turns to Old White Man, standing behind me in line]. You know what I'm sayin' my brotha? Life is crazy. You just don't know anymore. You get old and you just don't know.

Old White Man: [Stares blankly ahead for ~10 seconds]. You know... I was just hearing on the radio... Teachers being accused of having sex with students.

Me: Jesus...

Old Black Man: Real?

Old White Man: It was just on the radio. On the way here. I was listening on the way here. A female teacher accused of having sex with an 8th grader. A student. But then it's like, people are saying that they bribed her. You know? And a lot of people were calling in saying she's innocent. But who're you going to believe - the 8th grader or the teacher? There weren't any witnesses.

Old Black Man: You don't say.

Old White Man: I would not want to be a teacher nowadays.

Old Black Man: Right. And my own kid... I mean... My own damn kid. But... I mean... It was for some girl. But my own damn kid, can you believe it?

Me: [grinning] I... I believe it.

Old Black Man: Crazy... Crazy... [Walks away].

Old White Man: I would not want to be a teacher nowadays.

Me: [Walks away].

f u winter

2011-02-07T20:00:00.000-08:00

today i used a hammer to smash a sheet of ice on my steps.
i was swinging the hammer as hard as i could.
it made me feel really tough and strong.

no one's going to slip and fall and die on the ice.
not on this porch.

Poem Where I Am Cold

2011-01-30T17:34:00.000-08:00

Dear Mom,

When I told you in the morning
I had “pocket-called” you
the other night, at 3:32,
I was not telling you the truth.

I had actually left my bag somewhere
and had locked myself out of
my apartment building
and it was cold
and I was drunk
and I didn't know what to do
and the snow wouldn't just
shut the fuck up and let me think
and I thought you could maybe
think for me.

J

Dear Mom,

Actually, I'm not finished.
I rammed the building door
for a while, with my shoulder,
without getting in,
so I rammed another building's
broken door, and got in.

And I slept there, in the hall,
in the fetal position.
Not crying or anything,
just cold.

J

Mom,

I put my headphones on,
and slept very badly.
I don't know what I listened to,
it was soft.

I unscrewed the hallway light,
and felt very tired and cold
and repeated “God didn't mean
to make me like this,”

which is just a thing I say.
You know I don't believe in God.

J

Mom,

A nice man woke me up
at, I think, 7. He asked
if I had somewhere to go.
I told him yes, and I went
to the BP. I thought it
was really nice of him
to ask that.

The leasing office
opened at 9.
I got the spare key and
told the woman (not nice)
that I would bring it
right back, and I didn't.
I went inside
and slept all day,
and into the next day,
when I got your message
asking why I'd called you
at 3:32.

Dear Mom,

I think I mean to start
all of my poems that way,

especially the poems
where I am cold. It is probably
something to do with looking
more like you than dad (I suppose
you'll recall that you never
breast-fed me, so if it's not
how we look, I don't know).

I think probably all poems ever
ought to be read like that,
with the “Dear Mom” implied.

2011-01-20T18:51:00.000-08:00

this morning when i was running to my car i slipped and fell on ice and snow

lemon poppyseed cookie from 'robeks'

2011-01-20T06:36:00.000-08:00

i just thought 'this might be my last... winter, like, with heat, or...' while lying in bed with my neck 'propped' against the headboard of the bed with a pillow

then i thought something like 'all of the things... that go like, un... un... like, unnoticed or... like, unappreciated... like... ziggy... or...' while feeling a large degree of sarcasm and confusion

earlier, i walked downstairs

in the kitchen, i saw many bagels and a vegan lemon poppyseed cookie from 'robeks'

my mom said 'dad got panera bagels'

i looked at the bagels for a period of time while thinking 'i...' and 'what the fuck is this shit...' and 'apple...'

i looked at apples and bananas

i ate the vegan lemon poppyseed cookie while standing in the kitchen and staring blankly at the space in front of me

i thought something like 'poppyseed... doesn't that like, cause... drug test... opiates... but... weed though' in an incoherent, vaguely 'annoyed-with-myself-for-being-so-retarded' manner

(i think there should be a word for that. a word that means 'annoyed with oneself for being so retarded.' that would be good.)

i don't know

do other people get emails from '@sbcglobal.net' email addresses telling you to send your information to them to claim your [large quantity of british money]?

i have gotten 3 today

SWEATY

2011-01-13T06:57:00.000-08:00

I'm walking to class because I just can't miss it.
I don't want to exhaust all my missed classed excuses
this early in the semester.
It's so cold outside that I layer myself:
2 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of leggings, 2 long sleeves.
My legs are sore as I keep tensing up with every
step I take to school passing

slick little snow mounds, and poorly cleared sidewalks.

The trip there has become in its own right an obstacle course.
By the time that I arrive to class
I feel like I resemble some sort of sickly, fatigued looking American gladiator.....
breathing heavy as I find a place to sit,
sweaty as fuck,
as the snow keeps falling.

My Dad Used To Be A Marxist, Or At Least He Had A Poster Of Him On His Wall, But Actually Thought Of Himself As A Leninist

2011-01-11T02:00:00.000-08:00

My Dad Used To Be A Marxist, Or At Least He Had A Poster Of Him On His Wall, But Actually Thought Of Himself As A Leninist, While He More Closely Resembles Stalin

My dad is a connoisseur of cigars, guns, and nutcrackers.
He sleeps with his shoes on, upright on the couch.
We said, the cat looks too thin, he is going to die soon.
We are all going to die soon,
as he continues biting the heads off of snowmen cookies.

On Christmas my Aunt touched my boobs.
I can touch them if I want when you have them out there like that!
I was wearing a modest sweater.

Later, my brother said he hoped his girlfriend would get him a peacoat for Christmas.
My aunt thought he said “penis,” but why
would his girlfriend get him a penis for Christmas?
I’m pretty sure that is the one thing he definitely has.

My sister danced like a leprechaun,
doing a jig, my grandmother said,
You should drop out of college and work at a strip club!

I had just woken up.
How much have you been drinking since I was asleep?
Girl, you’re so pretty I’m gonna put you in a sack and throw you into my trunk.
What is going on.

Holiday trivia games with my aunt just make things worse.
How many tentacles does a squid have?
100
An octopus has 8, how many tentacles does a squid have?
100
It’s not a centipede.
Oh, then 2.
It’s not bipedal, it’s not going to get up and start walking around.
BIPENAL?! Now, you never mentioned THAT.

No, nevermind.

drinking and driving in minnesota

2011-01-10T22:27:00.000-08:00

behind my car
is the place i pissed without
even looking at the ground

and behind there is probably an alleyway
but id rather piss on you in the shower
while im laughing

gently and steadily
while you avoid one warm stream of water
among so many

and i pause thinking i should finish
but keep going
in an attempt to defend what i just did

whatever
it was as funny as it could have been

i know

i wont laugh anymore
and go wash your feet alone
it's so cold in here anyways

PIECE OF WRITING ABOUT ALMOST SHITTING IN AN ALLEY

2011-01-10T13:08:00.001-08:00

while i was out for a walk i lost my keys.

i walked around looking at the ground but i couldn't find my keys.

i started to feel like i had to shit.

it became real to me that i might have to shit in an alley.

i've had to shit outside before but never in an alley and never during the day.

when i thought i might have to shit in an alley, i immediately took a deep breath and thought, "you can do this, you are strong."

it started snowing again

2011-01-06T14:14:00.000-08:00

looked out the window this morning
and there it was
snow

it started to fall again

the last three days were strange

a lot of coffee and alcohol

last night i told everyone the truth about me

how i had no morals when it came to sex

it wasn't a good audience for such ideas

sometimes when you're drunk

you forget who your audience is

when i was little

i found out i really had only one talent

it was to know my audience

i could figure out motivations quickly

don't know what exactly happened

or when

but realized at some point before

my growth spurt ended

that everyone was pretending

but behind these pretendings

were something concrete

don't care if it is genetic or if the first five years of human life are so intense on the brain that we can never really escape.

knowing that fact for sure really won't change how I behave

not good at math, hell not even good at grammar

but good at figuring out people's motivations

at knowing my audience

which has led me to behaving like an actor

we are all actors
but i behave like an actor on top of an actor

then after awhile

after some drinks, usually the hard stuff

i stop acting and the concrete me gets let out

my mother always yelled at me, "You're half british, the british are stone cold Noah, don't show your emotions, emotions are a weakness."

My mother always told me emotions are for the weak, and when people see you have emotions they immediately take advantage of them.

It was a British thing to say

We must never forget that Great Britain gave birth to Hobbes, Locke, Hume, Burke and Smith. The stone coldest of all political philosophers.

Looked at my sleeping girlfriend after looking at the snow that covered the cars and parking lot, then went downstairs to read.

I was slightly hungover and felt like nothing good could come of all this.

i didn't know what 'all this' was.

the 'all this' seemed very real and concrete.

Went to make coffee and it tasted like vinegar.

So I drank orange juice.

Read the ending of Antiquity by Norman F. Cantor. My favorite historian.

I don't know what kind of man has a favorite historian.

not the kind of man my father raised.

Norman F. Cantor at the end of the book talked about the remaining sites of antiquity that remain, the huge buildings where thousands of ancient people sat and gathered together

then he wrote, "The poets and dramatists and philosophers speak to us for antiquity, but those little sites of prayer and entertainment memorialize the millions who came and went, always silent, and now forgotten."

The first thing that weird me out was the use of the word 'for' when he says, "Philosophers speak for antiquity."

He didn't say 'of' or 'about' or 'from'

a lesser writer would have used those words

but 'for'

what a strange little word 'for'

Norman F. Cantor was saying, everyone is dead, long dead, so dead that nothing remains of their lives but vague ideas.

But these writers, these people who used language as their medium spoke for everyone if they knew it or not, they were sending a message out, this is what we were like, this is who we were.

Then Cantor writes at the end, "the millions who came and went, always silent, and now forgotten."

I like his use of commas at the end.

I liked that he wrote a two hundred page book that took years of solitary and classroom study and finished it with this simple sentence. It was the last book he ever wrote, he died soon after, maybe this last line was his epitaph.

the ending is simple.

There were people once

ancient greeks, ancient jews, and people living under roman rule.

They had lived their lives under these institutions

they were slaves, oppressed women and powerful men

there were farmers and merchants and generals

playwrights and poets

shitting in outhouses, dealing with imperial armies and being part of imperial armies

babies were born and taxes were collected

and now they are gone

all gone

they died

"always silent"

after reading that line i went back upstairs to lay in bed with my girlfriend, my living, very real, very present girlfriend.

i was overcome with 'feeling' after reading that line and didn't know what to say

i didn't really want to exist after reading that line

i wanted to go somewhere and maybe become One with the universe

i couldn't deal with reality

so i just became sad, stared and was despondent.

told her i had to leave

cleaned the snow off my car and drove home

Misconceptions about the Great Lakes

2010-12-30T09:03:00.000-08:00

Sometimes people think humans don’t exist in the great lakes,
They are wrong, they do
They live there, they have kitchens
Biologists look to obvious choices like Huron and Michigan

It’s northern Superior and southern Erie that hold life
It should be said that these races are entirely different
In fact, wars have been fought between them
They are bitter rivals, they live beneath the sea

You see, Erie residents the Sudans, not to be mistaken
with the country, (they were here first) find cold blood to be quite useful
found in Kardashian (Superior) blood streams (present before the reality show)
Both tribes would say hi to each other when walking by, and not look down

Upon entering there homes you may notice
they too nit slogans to hang above their oven

These slogans are warm-hearted, they know meaning of meaningfulness
Posing the question, where do we exist? In some halfway breadth?
These people don’t have a word for solipsism (plum tree)
So why do we cry so much? Try finding comfort above your mother’s oven

xmas eve, or ambrosia salad driving a bentley

2010-12-24T21:26:00.001-08:00

i sleep in.

heavy curtains blocking

natural light help me sleep

much later than

is necessary.

i read the first twenty pages

of a dostoevsky novel.

i take a shallow, mostly cold bath

and get ready to face my family.

at my grandma's

i drink four beers and egg nog

with rum in it.

my family talks about

how fucked up other relatives are.

fake pregnancies,

fake cancers,

fat lazy asses,

bar fights, aliases and

stolen identities—

my cousin and i agree

that we are glad we all

turned out 'alright.'

i go home and sulk on

my house's heated bathroom floors.

christmas eve feels like shit

but at least i am warm.

WHY I HATE PAWN SHOPS

2010-12-24T19:30:00.000-08:00

1) there are too many guns

2) there are too many guitars

3) in the month of december everyone inside looks like they are seriously up to no good

mid-afternoon mimosa

2010-12-22T12:41:00.000-08:00

taylor said she would go on a date with a hotdog
and eat it
the rest of us are not so fond of hot dogs
but maybe less so fond of shellfish
to the point that neither me nor you would find any attraction
to an oyster or a clam
or the other types that stay closed and breath only in death

I have always found something sexy about almonds,
personally.
and whether smooth or rigid, they go wonderfully with beer.

Sociology of Christmas

2010-12-18T10:27:00.001-08:00

In Max Weber's Sociology of Religion he makes two points concerning Christmas.

He says that the difference between the middle class and the peasant class is that the middle class is disconnected from nature.

In America we don't have peasants because we no longer have people connected to nature.

The poor before technology were forced to farm and live with their animals. And in the spring and summer they would eat wild food.

They had to be very connected to nature to achieve survival.

In America, we no longer need to understand nature to survive.

We live in nicely heated houses. We drive heated cars. We go to buildings and buy our food. We do not know where the food comes from. We do not care.

Monsanto grew all my food and I love it.

Americans all consider themselves middle-class because they are disconnected from nature.

Even the poor who work at restaurants and in factories, as lanscapers and roofers.

It is strange, I have encountered many 40 to 60 year old servers and cooks who consider themselves 'middle class.'

They aren't.

They are like the dirt of humanity.

But since they live in a nicely heated home with a nicely heated car and eat food grown to perfection with natural gas fertiziler and petroluem based pesticides, they love their lives.

Max Weber then states that the middle-class enjoys the baby part of religions because they the middle class is family oriented.

America loves babies.

Baby Jesus.

Now no one says on Christmas Day

The New Born Baby Jesus would one day grow up and become a convicted a criminal that would be executed by the Romans. That he would be forced to carry a heavy wooden cross a long way, while being taunted, he would then be nailed into a piece of wood next to two criminals, he would be stabbed in the side by a spear, and have a crown of thorns hung on his head. He would be basically left out to bleed to death and suffer like a dog before a crowd of people.

No one says that.

A baby was born to suffer like a dog.

Instead the middle-class goes, "Oh cute, little baby Jesus. Baby Jesus is cute."

This can be seen in Talladega Nights, when Will Ferrel gives that awesome speech

Ricky Bobby does not enjoy adult Jesus, because adult Jesus is a miserable pile of shoeless poor people shit.

He is like one of those people at Wal-Mart wearing jogging pants and a stained Browns shirt.

The middle-class of America has convinced themselves of this strange thing, that baby Christmas Jesus grows up and becomes a very successful lawyer or doctor, and has a sweet 401k plan and good credit.

No one is concerned with the idea that this baby Jesus fellow was born to suffer.

in 2 snow days i watched 3 movies

2010-12-15T18:11:00.001-08:00

the matrix: adults deny meaninglessness in a likable way

sweet that i didnt feel this movie was made in the 90s, like they did a good job with the costumes not being related to any time period

thought of the rapper "neyo" 10-20 times while watching this movie

i dont think i liked how neo was dead but miraculously came back to life, wish the events were different so that he didnt have to fake-die

the person who created the movie seemed to be an anarchist

funny that the people in the movie took pills to be born/get free

felt extremely on edge for an accumulation of somewhere around 20 minutes

felt interested for all 2 hrs and 15 minutes

felt surprised it was only 2 hrs and 15 mins

eclipse: teen girl attracts half-teen half-animals

felt amazed by the occasional wisdom of the 2 male leads vs the indecisiveness and recklessness of the lead bitch
felt attached to the movie, 2 tears calmly went down my face ~ .5 through

surprised that edward and bella had a vague relationship in this movie, thought they were like, bfgf.
vague relationships in this movie are portrayed well

thinking this series being so popular can be summed up in bella's speach to edward at the end where she says something like "i am not normal, i will never be, i want to fuck vampires and werewolves"

didnt want to sleep alone after watching this

toy story 3: childrens movie that involves contemplating group suicide

caught myself saying aloud a line from the movie in a silly voice right after a character said it many times within the first 20 minutes (until i made myself stop)

toddler age children are portrayed as viscous retarded monsters while elementary age children seem heavenly and imaginative

toy story 3 seems good for the whole family

interesting for kids re colors/toys and shit

interesting for adolescents re overall dialogue of the movie

interesting for adults re can compare their children's retardedness to other children their age, and can learn to cope with their kids eventually going to college

interesting for seniors/grandparents re can rest their weak bodies while faintly hearing their families laughing

felt surprised at the emotional weight of the toys deciding to die together

this movie made me want to try and play with toys
clean soft stuffed animals maybe

i could play with toys by cooking dinner but using the stuffed animals as hands or something and make sound effects with my mouth most of the time

let them discuss you there, that you care, are thinking things about them, making a decision

2010-12-14T16:28:00.000-08:00

judge your friends
i said

and not that funny was said
clever,

judge those close
before the brief silence

judge your friends i said
in terms to be understood

dumbass was said
beer, weed was said

they paused

judge your friends, only
do not look at strangers

only,

do not see them as you see your friends i said
then shit talking was said

and was meant

and i read 'major shitstorm' in the Guardian i said

frozen scum pond

2010-12-14T08:42:00.000-08:00

this is what my backyard looks like during a blizzard. there is a pond beyond the first row of dead brush. in the summer it grew algae, but now it only grows ice.

photo courtesy of my roommate, kelly arnold.

Horny in the Snow

2010-12-14T07:49:00.000-08:00

I was horny all day yesterday
my penis was strong
and kept telling me things

it told me things like
when no one was home
i laid on my couch
fluffing my penis
with images of me
fucking my girlfriend
in front of a group
of middle aged men
with interested facial expressions
like they were
investigating a marcel duchamp sculpture

it told me things like
when i was at Chili's
I kept looking at a short
thin dark haired 30 year old server
with a tiny tiny butt
thought, "I want to stick my finger
in her asshole."
decided next time
had sex with my girlfriend
i would do that to her
but i wouldn't notify
my girlfriend
the origin of the idea

it told me things like
when i was at barnes and nobles
two girls in high school
stood looking at fashion magazines
the one girl had on a very tight
skirt on
the curvature of her butt
was apparent
my heart beat hard
wondering about those cheeks

later on
when my roommate went to sleep
and the snow
and the wind
ruled the outside
i masturbated
with the smell
of a fraser fir freshly cut
in my living room
i doodled my prick
and gave birth
to the christmas giz

Great Lakes Brand Christmas Ale

2010-12-13T11:46:00.000-08:00

Andrew, Ty and I walked into the gas station. I looked at a refrigerator containing beer. I said “Do you have Great Lakes brand Christmas ale?” to a thin, Caucasian cashier. Another, older, obese employee said “We only have what’s in the fridge” while pointing to the refrigerator containing beer. I said "Ok." I walked toward the refrigerator containing beer. I looked at Andrew then said “Oh yeah, they have it” while pointing at the refrigerator containing beer. Ty looked at me then said "Jordan." I gave him two dollars. He purchased a large can of Arizona brand green tea. I said “Can I have twenty on fifteen?” while handing a twenty-dollar bill to the thin, Caucasian cashier. She said “Ok.” I walked outside. I thought “Jesus... it’s cold...” I pressed ‘regular.' I inserted the gas nozzle into my car. I sat in the car. Ty sat in the car. Andrew sat in the car. He handed me a twenty-dollar bill and said “The lady said she would have to I.D. all of us, because like, we were together.” I said “Really” while looking at Andrew’s face. He said something. I said “Like... it’s a 6 pack of Christmas ale... like, you’re visiting from New York... like, we’re all going to get hammered off 2 beers each... and I look like I’m 21” in an expressive tone of voice.

Later, Andrew said “What if I just went back in there with a gun.” Ty and I laughed. I said “You should do that.” We said other things about killing the obese gas station employee. Ty said “We should go back and just like, stand there.” Andrew said “Just stand in front of the beer cooler.” I said “No, like... we could just stand outside and stare at her... until she gets off work... then follow her to her car. And like... to her apartment.” We said other things about harassing and killing the obese gas station employee.

Andrew, Mallory and I walked into Whole Foods. We looked at beer. I looked at an obese employee then said “Do you have Great Lakes brand Christmas ale?” An elderly African American man looked at me and made a noise and a facial expression I perceived as ‘expressing his affinity for Great Lakes brand Christmas ale and, possibly, implicitly, camaraderie due to our alikeness.’ I grinned. I said “Yeah” then something like “You know what’s up” while moving my head. The man said “Woo, man, that’s some good stuff” while touching his stomach. The employee said “We sold out last night... you know, we get it in on Monday and expect it to be gone by Wednesday. This is similar though if you’re just looking for a Christmas ale” while touching a 6-pack of Thirsty Dog brand ’12 Dogs of Christmas Ale.’ I said “Damn, thank you.” I told Andrew and Mallory what she said.

A mildly overweight Italian man in a leather jacket approached Andrew and I after overhearing our conversation and said something. He touched a large bottle of beer then said “If you’re looking for a great Christmas Ale, I’d definitely give this a try.” He touched a 6-pack of ’12 Dogs of Christmas Ale’ then said “This is also a decent Christmas Ale.” I pointed to the large bottle of beer and said “That’s... expensive.” He said “Yeah. Well I mean – you can’t go wrong with this” while touching Thirsty Dog brand ’12 Dogs of Christmas Ale.’ He said something about how the person who started Thirsty Dog brand beer “left” Great Lakes brand beer and uses a similar formula. He said “Plus, Great Lakes is screwing Cleveland over anyway.” I said “How... are they screwing Cleveland over?” He said “They’re trying to go national and they’re screwing over local buyers.” I said “Oh, damn.” We talked about beer for a period of time.

Andrew walked into ‘Bottles.’ I saw him looking at beer. I saw him holding a 6 pack of Coors Banquet brand beer. I saw him reach into a refrigerator then walk toward the cash register holding a 6-pack of Great Lakes ‘Burning River’ brand beer. I saw a female purchase one watermelon flavored Four Loko brand malt beverage then drive away alone.

Andrew got in the car. He said “They didn’t have Christmas Ale, so I got this.” I said “Burning River, sweet... that’s my favorite of the Great Lakes brand beers... like, besides the special ones.” He said something like “Yeah, the name sounded pretty special so I got it.”

rest

2010-12-12T08:31:00.000-08:00

day spent in rebellion
is a day spent in bed
abandon,
ditch out
duck it,
abdication is a pillow

deficient of hope, or know how
half-filled

of down and feathers

if one friend keeps more beer
than another friend

there is nothing we can do

days are spent in rebellion

slept, nightless

and by that i mean a nap in the middle

of the day,

always

Brothers at the Chinese restaurant

2010-12-10T16:54:00.000-08:00

Ya, the weather is cold
but its sticky inside
full of
red-ish leather, gold fish dragons
and we are stuffed with pork dumplings

sitting back in your chair
puffing out the belly
you crack open a fortune cookie
it reads "The weather is wonderful."

I DONT HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE

2010-12-09T15:42:00.000-08:00

i don't have health insurance

a couple winters ago i fell and hurt my elbow.

it hurt really bad at first and then it kind of went away but it still comes back sometimes.

like, i'll wake up and try to extend my arm and the pain makes me close my eyes and bite down and push my face into the pillow.

i don't have health insurance

i just thought of myself making a fist with both hands and then raising my eyebrows and saying, "i got health insurance, here's my two forms of i.d. bitch" while lifting each fist.

my landlord doesn't give a shit about me.

the old man who lives down the hall always wears the same shirt, the one with the huge vomit streak down the front.

one of the things i have to do at work is tie big wires around crushed squares of cardboard boxes.

after i wrap the boxes with wire and tie the wire up by bending it a lot, my hands are always covered in metal dust (or whatever) from the wires.

i always think, "gorilla hands"

"you are gorilla hands."

and then i forget to wash my hands when i have gorilla hands and then i'll touch my eye by accident and it is the worst burning eye feeling i've experienced yet.

i look forward to finding out new types of eye burning feelings.

i know it will be time for me to die when there are no more burning eye feelings to discover

the floor of my room is cold.

the wind comes in through the walls and the floor.

if i sleep with the blanket up to my chin, then i wake up with my head feeling sick and if i sleep with the entire blanket over me i feel too trapped to be able to relax and sleep.

when you find a shirt you forgot about, at the bottom of a bunch of other shit, it feels more like hope than anything else.

i've always wondered if i had what it takes to successfully join a hate group or be an extremist of some kind--not because i have any ideals, but just because i wonder if i could.

i was at the store the other day and i bent down to get something off a low shelf and when i looked up there was a two year old boy standing in front of me and he held his hand up to me like to say, "you can't go any further, stop." and then when i stood up straight again, he gave me the thumbs up and i walked past him.

right now, i'm 27, using a chair as a desk and a milkcrate as my chair and i live in uptown chicago and it's december 9, 2010.

the task at hand

2010-12-08T12:02:00.000-08:00

as i watch and critique fashion shows

my roommate is downstairs weaving

shredded suicide notes and the painting

we painted when we tripped last week

this is my life our lives everything is here

winter I

2010-12-08T09:29:00.000-08:00

my friends get drunk
and sing karaoke
at a townie bar
in the next town.

an alcoholic
buys me two shots
of tequila and
a boy from poetry
yells, 'damn, lexi!'
from the other end
of the bar.

i must have impressed him.
he finds me outside.

i ash my cigarette
into a bucket
filled with dirty snow.

i am overly friendly
toward him and
with other people
about whom i don't care.

a boy with bad teeth
hits on me.

i stand like a lesbian.

he is too drunk
to notice.

my friend drives
the alcoholic home
after he racks up
a fifty dollar bar tab
and sings
'pretty woman'
to the bartender.

he offers us snacks
before getting out
of the car.

i can relate.

C's Waffles

2010-12-08T08:51:00.001-08:00

ate something called "C's Meat Lovers Mess"

Worked on my math
read about British legislature

an old man wearing a baseball cap
came in and sat at the counter
the young unattractive server said
"you better be staying out of trouble,
or I'll put you over my knee"

The old man replied, "I'd like
to see that"

Looked out the window
at the snow

imagined a middle aged man
coming in
a respectable
strong looking man
and telling me
i'm dead
and i am going to spend eternity
at C's Waffles

An old woman walked by
she looked at me
it was disturbing

Great Humans from The Great Lakes Region

2010-12-07T07:12:00.000-08:00

Bob Seger/Dearborn Michigan:
Have been drunk many times
crying to Night Moves

Bob Seger stands on the coast of Lake Michigan
drinks a beer

Kanye West/Chicago:
Kanye's sits in a well heated house
in the winter
his mom comes home
from the college
and forces him to read
all of Roots when he is 12
he says, "Mom this is stupid"
but now he knows why
she made him read it

Eminem Detroit:
Eminem smokes his first cigarette
when he is four
Eminem fucks three women
at once
when he six
Eminem drives in the snow
high as shit
thinks
this snow looks cool
when i'm high

Kid Rock Detroit:
Pimp

Michael Jordan moves
to Chicago
and decides be a living
God
Michael Jordan is
the living avatar
of Leonidas

Harvey Pekar/Cleveland:
Sits in his living room
drawing little stick figures
puts his stocking cap on
and walks to the store
Harvey Pekar thinks
"my hands are cold,
I need to buy gloves"

All of them get together
shovel a driveway
Michael Jordan challenges
Bob Seger to a game of horse
Kid Rock slips on some ice
Kid Rock says, "My knee hurts"
Harvey Pekar yells, "Bitch"

Snow a Lot

2010-12-06T15:08:00.000-08:00

When I pulled out
of my driveway
my back wheels
were stuck

Found two old men

the old men
kept talking about
the amount of snow

they were concerned
about the inches

they pushed my car
Then drove to the bank

Then went in my house
did my Political Science
Russian take home final

Russia

Then snowblowed three driveways
outside
for long time

everything seemed really nice
thought
I've had a wonderful life
for a writer
if i was anything else
it would have been a bad life

Then a car wouldn't start
so an old man and I
jumped it

it started